I, like most people, remember precisely where I was when the first and second planes hit on September 11th. I remember when the Pentagon was hit. And I remember when the fourth plane went down in the fields of Pennsylvania.
I was five days away from celebrating my first anniversary clean and sober on September 11, 2001. I remember going to a meeting that Tuesday, and again Friday night, clinging to my friends and trying to understand.
Do you remember September 12th??
Today I am remembering the days and weeks that followed that day. The feelings of utter helplessness, vulnerability, and betrayal. And later, the feelings of pride, and love for our nation's enduring fortitude. What an amazing nation we truly were then. I remember blood lines reaching so far out of buildings that people needed to be turned away. I remember bucket brigades. What a mixed bag of emotions. What an incredible process each of us needed to go through in order to try and make peace with what had occurred. One thing I'm sure of about, is that in those few weeks we were United. The same cannot be said of course, for the months that followed. (or years for that matter....)
Flash forward eight years...2009. On the 16th I will be celebrating 9 years clean and sober, and I have feelings of pride and love for MYSELF, for my own enduring fortitude.
Since getting sober I have always looked at September as the beginning of a new year. (as opposed to January or July) This last year for me wasn't about first tries, second tries, or third tries. This year was about what happens when I trust the process and stay in the fight. This year was about what happens when I trust myself enough to know that I have a right to be happy, that I am capable, and that I am supported. Always. This year was about chasing dreams, because...well shoot...why wouldn't I??
This year was about Natural Time. In Nia, the second principle is Natural Time. What Natural Time means is that I Trust the Process. My body knows what it is doing. My Spirit knows what it is doing. And my HP knows what He/She is doing. My job is to take action; act on my own behalf. My part of the Natural Time process is two-fold: first action, and then releasing results.
After I have done my best, I'm gold.
For today, I Just woke up. I have a cup of coffee. The house is still quiet. And today I am going to a corn roast with all of my favorite people, to celebrate recovery, healing, friendship, fellowship and family. Told ya! I'm gold!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Fortune Teller...
...What's been going on in my life for the last week and a half has been incredibly painful and incredibly intense. I do not question its necessity.
Sometimes I just know I'm being carried. An email from a friend said it best: "It sounds like you are carrying your Self and being carried on wings of love."
I believe that.
What I do find interesting however, is how my blogs up until this point were so intuitive. Funny how you can't see what's right under your nose, isn't it?? Denial is such a powerful defense. I'm quite grateful for it actually. We're amazing creatures, aren't we??
I trust my process now more than ever. I am a living breathing process, constantly cycling in one way or another through the 5 stages of self-healing: Embryonic, Creeping, Crawling, Standing, & Walking. The process applies to everything. When I learned about it at my Nia White Belt Intensive, I had no idea it was going to apply to my entire life. "Baby, what a big surprise. RIGHT before my very eyes." (Yes, a corny Peter Cetera reference...deal with it. Summerfest is coming, okay?)
"You must do the things you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt
Yes Ma'am.
And then...
"You can never really live anyone else's life, not even your child's. The influence you exert is through your own life, and what you've become yourself."
Eleanor Roosevelt
Indeed.
Sometimes I just know I'm being carried. An email from a friend said it best: "It sounds like you are carrying your Self and being carried on wings of love."
I believe that.
What I do find interesting however, is how my blogs up until this point were so intuitive. Funny how you can't see what's right under your nose, isn't it?? Denial is such a powerful defense. I'm quite grateful for it actually. We're amazing creatures, aren't we??
I trust my process now more than ever. I am a living breathing process, constantly cycling in one way or another through the 5 stages of self-healing: Embryonic, Creeping, Crawling, Standing, & Walking. The process applies to everything. When I learned about it at my Nia White Belt Intensive, I had no idea it was going to apply to my entire life. "Baby, what a big surprise. RIGHT before my very eyes." (Yes, a corny Peter Cetera reference...deal with it. Summerfest is coming, okay?)
"You must do the things you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt
Yes Ma'am.
And then...
"You can never really live anyone else's life, not even your child's. The influence you exert is through your own life, and what you've become yourself."
Eleanor Roosevelt
Indeed.
Friday, May 8, 2009
My favorite writer today...
Who is Portia Nelson?? No idea. I just know that she wrote my favorite prose to date, relative to my life. It's called "Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters" For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, let me introduce you to it. (It really IS short...)
I. I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...It's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V. I walk down another street.
This is me. This is how I live my life. This is how I learn. Maybe this is what being human is?? I can't know for sure...I tend to be a little self-centered, so I can only speak from my perspective. (As opposed to the whole of humanity :)
What could be a relatively gentle process, is sometimes made much, much more challenging by ME. My stubbornness. My inability to go with the flow. But that is afterall, why some of us consider life more of a marathon than a sprint. Being theater minded, I consider it more of a "Production". I just gave up the director chair a long, LONG time ago.
More recently, and more often what I've come up against is, my FEAR.
Because of my trauma background, I get scared of things. Things I perceive as BIG THINGS. Big things that I just KNOW will go wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. When it comes to people I care about, I can go "deep sea fishing" in my thoughts, with the best of 'em. I make up some of the most terrifying stories in my head, and it doesn't take long.
I am a woman of deep faith. I am. I am a woman of honesty, open-mindedness and great willingness. I am a woman of integrity, dignity and grace. Here is the caveat...WHEN I'M SCARED YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO TELL!!
I sort of become the opposite of open-minded, willing, graceful, and dignified when I'm scared.
You know what helps though?? Staying present. Acting and NOT reacting. NOT shooting off my mouth. Getting out of HOT, energy-sucking situations and finding some space.
And guess what I do with that space? I dance. I dance in my kitchen to an under the counter CD player I got at Shopko. (It's just a little no-name unit. Cost about $30 or so.) I put on whatever music makes me happy in that moment and I move, move, move. Life really CAN be a dance party. There are NO RULES that say it can't be. I don't do it every time. Sometimes I'm stuck in that hole, and that's just the way it is. But once I get out...I DANCE!
I guess the point of that short autobiography is twofold for me: 1) I love knowing that there are kindred spirits out there--I'm an extrovert. I NEED my people. 2) It comforts me to know that, as a recovering perfectionist, I have a story and this is it. I will continue to cycle through this story, and that's okay.
That's life. That's MY life. Welcome to it!!
I. I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...It's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V. I walk down another street.
This is me. This is how I live my life. This is how I learn. Maybe this is what being human is?? I can't know for sure...I tend to be a little self-centered, so I can only speak from my perspective. (As opposed to the whole of humanity :)
What could be a relatively gentle process, is sometimes made much, much more challenging by ME. My stubbornness. My inability to go with the flow. But that is afterall, why some of us consider life more of a marathon than a sprint. Being theater minded, I consider it more of a "Production". I just gave up the director chair a long, LONG time ago.
More recently, and more often what I've come up against is, my FEAR.
Because of my trauma background, I get scared of things. Things I perceive as BIG THINGS. Big things that I just KNOW will go wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. When it comes to people I care about, I can go "deep sea fishing" in my thoughts, with the best of 'em. I make up some of the most terrifying stories in my head, and it doesn't take long.
I am a woman of deep faith. I am. I am a woman of honesty, open-mindedness and great willingness. I am a woman of integrity, dignity and grace. Here is the caveat...WHEN I'M SCARED YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO TELL!!
I sort of become the opposite of open-minded, willing, graceful, and dignified when I'm scared.
You know what helps though?? Staying present. Acting and NOT reacting. NOT shooting off my mouth. Getting out of HOT, energy-sucking situations and finding some space.
And guess what I do with that space? I dance. I dance in my kitchen to an under the counter CD player I got at Shopko. (It's just a little no-name unit. Cost about $30 or so.) I put on whatever music makes me happy in that moment and I move, move, move. Life really CAN be a dance party. There are NO RULES that say it can't be. I don't do it every time. Sometimes I'm stuck in that hole, and that's just the way it is. But once I get out...I DANCE!
I guess the point of that short autobiography is twofold for me: 1) I love knowing that there are kindred spirits out there--I'm an extrovert. I NEED my people. 2) It comforts me to know that, as a recovering perfectionist, I have a story and this is it. I will continue to cycle through this story, and that's okay.
That's life. That's MY life. Welcome to it!!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Update...
Ummm....yeah.
I think actually, the darn big toe is broken after all. (Well, maybe it's just a tiny little crack.) It was still, TOTALLY worth it!
I think actually, the darn big toe is broken after all. (Well, maybe it's just a tiny little crack.) It was still, TOTALLY worth it!
The Road Less Traveled...
So, this time I injured my left foot--the big toe and its joint, to be exact. What is it with me and my feet?? I hear that it's a Pisces thing. Well, it's a Pisces thing AND a choices thing.
Yesterday marked President Obama's 100th day in office. Many in the press were calling it a "Hallmark Holiday". My assumption is that President Obama wouldn't call it that. I'm only 42 years old (just a few years younger than the president himself) and I'm fairly certain I'd be in the fetal position in some corner if I had to deal with ONE of the crises he finds himself facing as leader of our nation, let alone 6 or 7. AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING!!
It reminds me a lot of the beginning of my recovery. The direction our nation has been moving in has reminded me a lot of my recovery for quite some time. I truly thought that we, as a nation had "hit our bottom" in 2004. I really did. Then George Bush won the election. I was devastated.
My belief now is that we hit our bottom in September of 2008. FINALLY.
Flash forward to April 29, 2009. The Financial Market Bail out, the economy, Afganistan, the Iraq War, Pakistan, North Korea, the Auto Industry, Health Care reform, Education reform, FREAKIN' PIRATES, and now a potential global pandemic?? If I were a pessimist, I'd say things are getting WORSE. A LOT worse. But not only am I NOT a pessimist, I'm living proof that things are always darkest before the dawn. I have lived my own personal 2, 3 or 4 simultaneous "crises"; at the time asking my HP: "Why isn't this @&*$#!! getting any BETTER??!!"
The answer I always got was the same: "Whenever you feel as though everything is falling apart, it's actually just coming together..." It's not until I'm on my knees that it occurs to me to ask for help. Humble myself. Circle the wagons. And TRULY be who I know I can be.
While on a family nature walk yesterday, from the bridge we spotted a red ball on the creek bed. I made a spontaneous decision to go and retrieve it. Initially it looked like a pretty simple thing to do. I would just walk through the brush...grab it, and come back. I thought maybe my shoes would get wet. Well, the walk through the brush was a MUCH bigger challenge than I had imagined. I had to stop a number of times to figure out which little clearing I could even fit through. There were big ol' plants with thorns and everything. NOT what I had anticipated. Definitely the road less traveled. There was a REASON the ball was still sitting there. By the time I got the ball, I was feeling very brave and accomplished, but I was NOT feeling like going back the way I came. There was a second option though. I could try to jump over the creek. Pretty big creek. Lots of water running from all of the rain.
But still, IF I made it...it would mean I didn't have to go back through all of that other stuff again.
What to do?? Re-live all of that old pain?? OR try something new??
Yep. I jumped. And I ALMOST made it. My foot in back landed in the water and hit something. (A rock??) Progress, not perfection. It's sore, not broken. Today I'll take it a little easier; practice good self-care with the foot and all will be well.
The bottom line is that things have really come together in my recovery and my life. I know how to live today. REALLY live. Hard work + Perserverence = Health and Happiness. I didn't learn that at home with mom and dad, I learned that in my recovery.
I trust that our nation is on the same path. If WE collectively humble ourselves, ask for help, circle the wagons, offer a helping hand when we can, and truly become who we are each meant to be, (instead of who we think we OUGHT to be) then peace and happiness are on the way.
Yesterday marked President Obama's 100th day in office. Many in the press were calling it a "Hallmark Holiday". My assumption is that President Obama wouldn't call it that. I'm only 42 years old (just a few years younger than the president himself) and I'm fairly certain I'd be in the fetal position in some corner if I had to deal with ONE of the crises he finds himself facing as leader of our nation, let alone 6 or 7. AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING!!
It reminds me a lot of the beginning of my recovery. The direction our nation has been moving in has reminded me a lot of my recovery for quite some time. I truly thought that we, as a nation had "hit our bottom" in 2004. I really did. Then George Bush won the election. I was devastated.
My belief now is that we hit our bottom in September of 2008. FINALLY.
Flash forward to April 29, 2009. The Financial Market Bail out, the economy, Afganistan, the Iraq War, Pakistan, North Korea, the Auto Industry, Health Care reform, Education reform, FREAKIN' PIRATES, and now a potential global pandemic?? If I were a pessimist, I'd say things are getting WORSE. A LOT worse. But not only am I NOT a pessimist, I'm living proof that things are always darkest before the dawn. I have lived my own personal 2, 3 or 4 simultaneous "crises"; at the time asking my HP: "Why isn't this @&*$#!! getting any BETTER??!!"
The answer I always got was the same: "Whenever you feel as though everything is falling apart, it's actually just coming together..." It's not until I'm on my knees that it occurs to me to ask for help. Humble myself. Circle the wagons. And TRULY be who I know I can be.
While on a family nature walk yesterday, from the bridge we spotted a red ball on the creek bed. I made a spontaneous decision to go and retrieve it. Initially it looked like a pretty simple thing to do. I would just walk through the brush...grab it, and come back. I thought maybe my shoes would get wet. Well, the walk through the brush was a MUCH bigger challenge than I had imagined. I had to stop a number of times to figure out which little clearing I could even fit through. There were big ol' plants with thorns and everything. NOT what I had anticipated. Definitely the road less traveled. There was a REASON the ball was still sitting there. By the time I got the ball, I was feeling very brave and accomplished, but I was NOT feeling like going back the way I came. There was a second option though. I could try to jump over the creek. Pretty big creek. Lots of water running from all of the rain.
But still, IF I made it...it would mean I didn't have to go back through all of that other stuff again.
What to do?? Re-live all of that old pain?? OR try something new??
Yep. I jumped. And I ALMOST made it. My foot in back landed in the water and hit something. (A rock??) Progress, not perfection. It's sore, not broken. Today I'll take it a little easier; practice good self-care with the foot and all will be well.
The bottom line is that things have really come together in my recovery and my life. I know how to live today. REALLY live. Hard work + Perserverence = Health and Happiness. I didn't learn that at home with mom and dad, I learned that in my recovery.
I trust that our nation is on the same path. If WE collectively humble ourselves, ask for help, circle the wagons, offer a helping hand when we can, and truly become who we are each meant to be, (instead of who we think we OUGHT to be) then peace and happiness are on the way.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Be the Change
One of my favorite quotes since getting clean is: "BE the change you wish to see in the world". It's a great motto, and a really nice way to say: "Quitcher Bitchin'" (Which by the way, USED to be my motto...had the keychain, the whole bit.) Not only is my new motto much more Zen, it's much more ME.
Being positive has been a wonderful gift in my recovery. The foundation for my gratitude was built there. My Nia White Belt Intensive helped me to take positive thinking to a whole new level.
I'm very excited about a new venture I'm pursuing. Back in March I was invited to a "Women's Leadership Breakfast" and I donated a Nia DVD and a certificate for 5 free classes as door prizes. The woman who won the 5 free classes also happens to be one of the Sisters of St. Agnes. Awesome Lady, 70 some years old. LOVE her. She is a rebel nun. She has done time for peaceful demonstrations. (And I think if was federal time...well, that was the sentence anyway...)
Last week it was her first class and only she and I were there. I got a chance to talk with her a bit. Lo and behold, she's on the board at one of our local outpatient treatment facilities for women (called "the Arc"). I told her that I was a recovering addict/alcoholic with 8 years clean. She was thinking maybe Nia could be good for these women in the program at "the Arc". She asked me what I thought?? I said: "I THINK NIA IS GREAT FOR EVERYBODY!" Then she asked me if I'd be willing to teach it there. Ummm..."YES"!
So, since then I've been on this amazing creative journey of being led by Spirit, and doing the next right thing. It's been two or three days of pretty much solid creating---creating this new routine with music that moved me through my own recovery. It's called "Invincible" (Pat Benatar). I fight the little demon that keeps telling me "that's dumb" and keep pushing through. It's Divine and I trust it. It's going to be freakin' AWESOME when it's done. It's what I'm supposed to do next. No doubt.
No coincidences!
Another good thing: I'm officially off my own back as far as feeling like I'm not getting anywhere. I keep comparing myself to people with much higher belt levels, and with much more experience--many more years of practice. "Compare and Despair". We all have a very individualized curriculum from the universe. I believe that. But, PATIENCE with myself or "the Plan", isn't something I've ever been very good at. I want it all, and I want it NOW! And if I don't get it...it's because I'M doing something very, very WRONG! If I'm a child of God, why do I always assume I'm doing something TERRIBLY WRONG?? Does that just mean I qualify for the program? OR that I'm human?? (GASP)
The process is so much more fun when I'm on my way DOWN the hill!!! As Mark L. says..."Weeeeee!"
The change I wish to see in the world is people being positive, loving themselves as they are, moving/dancing/loving/JOYFUL and clean. It's a great place to start. I've got it--I am that change, and I'm almost ready to bring it to the world. (I'll post when the routine is complete!!)
Being positive has been a wonderful gift in my recovery. The foundation for my gratitude was built there. My Nia White Belt Intensive helped me to take positive thinking to a whole new level.
I'm very excited about a new venture I'm pursuing. Back in March I was invited to a "Women's Leadership Breakfast" and I donated a Nia DVD and a certificate for 5 free classes as door prizes. The woman who won the 5 free classes also happens to be one of the Sisters of St. Agnes. Awesome Lady, 70 some years old. LOVE her. She is a rebel nun. She has done time for peaceful demonstrations. (And I think if was federal time...well, that was the sentence anyway...)
Last week it was her first class and only she and I were there. I got a chance to talk with her a bit. Lo and behold, she's on the board at one of our local outpatient treatment facilities for women (called "the Arc"). I told her that I was a recovering addict/alcoholic with 8 years clean. She was thinking maybe Nia could be good for these women in the program at "the Arc". She asked me what I thought?? I said: "I THINK NIA IS GREAT FOR EVERYBODY!" Then she asked me if I'd be willing to teach it there. Ummm..."YES"!
So, since then I've been on this amazing creative journey of being led by Spirit, and doing the next right thing. It's been two or three days of pretty much solid creating---creating this new routine with music that moved me through my own recovery. It's called "Invincible" (Pat Benatar). I fight the little demon that keeps telling me "that's dumb" and keep pushing through. It's Divine and I trust it. It's going to be freakin' AWESOME when it's done. It's what I'm supposed to do next. No doubt.
No coincidences!
Another good thing: I'm officially off my own back as far as feeling like I'm not getting anywhere. I keep comparing myself to people with much higher belt levels, and with much more experience--many more years of practice. "Compare and Despair". We all have a very individualized curriculum from the universe. I believe that. But, PATIENCE with myself or "the Plan", isn't something I've ever been very good at. I want it all, and I want it NOW! And if I don't get it...it's because I'M doing something very, very WRONG! If I'm a child of God, why do I always assume I'm doing something TERRIBLY WRONG?? Does that just mean I qualify for the program? OR that I'm human?? (GASP)
The process is so much more fun when I'm on my way DOWN the hill!!! As Mark L. says..."Weeeeee!"
The change I wish to see in the world is people being positive, loving themselves as they are, moving/dancing/loving/JOYFUL and clean. It's a great place to start. I've got it--I am that change, and I'm almost ready to bring it to the world. (I'll post when the routine is complete!!)
Friday, April 24, 2009
Luck Be a Lady...
It's been almost ten days since I last posted, and I was trying to sort out why that was. Partially, it was due to a brief stint out of town. After teaching my Nia class last Thursday I was gone until Sunday evening, which was the 19th. Today is April 24th. This week just flew by. I felt like I was screwing my head back on straight. My weekend out of town began that process, and the rest of this week completed it. It was actually a wonderful week!
I went and saw the musical "Guys and Dolls" tonite at our local community theater here in Lomira. Last year my daughter Bailey and I participated in this theater company's Spring production. Because of that, the evening held a little nostalgia for us. We saw company members from the cast last year, and current members of the company as well. If you're a born performer, there is always a little bit of yearning that comes when you go to watch a performance. At least that is true in my case.
What I realized last weekend is that I had been stuck in yearning mode for a LOOONG TIME.
I don't know how that kind of mind-set sneaks in, but I do know where it comes from. There is this self-defeating, victim mentality that invades my thoughts and behaviors. It sneaks in and convinces me that I'm not enough. That I will never be enough, and that in and of myself I will not be able to accomplish my goals. I need somebody's permission. Or I need somebody's stamp of approval. It's automatic. When I'm under the victim shroud, I cannot get out from underneath it. I come up with band-aid solutions to little problems, but I never get at the "big picture"---which is that "I AM ENOUGH". I am.
Here's what happens once I realize that "I AM ENOUGH". All by "mineself".
I no longer need other people's permission to do what I need to do in order to take care of myself. Resentment, anger and guilt lift. I don't need other people to advocate for me--I advocate for myself. SELF-PITY in all of its insidious forms disappear. It's just not necessary because if I don't like something...I CAN CHANGE IT! OR I can ASK FOR HELP.
Once I'm in that space, I can watch a performance and feel no jealousy. I can enjoy what the other performers have accomplished without looking for faults or thinking about how much better I would have done it. Other people's success makes me happy. Their success takes nothing away from me. Abundance is the natural order. Pettiness is gone. I accept things as they are. All is right with the world...right now. Obviously.
As Sky Masterson said in Guys and Dolls tonite..."Luck is a Lady..." Actually, I don't believe in luck. But I thought that sounded good. ;)
I went and saw the musical "Guys and Dolls" tonite at our local community theater here in Lomira. Last year my daughter Bailey and I participated in this theater company's Spring production. Because of that, the evening held a little nostalgia for us. We saw company members from the cast last year, and current members of the company as well. If you're a born performer, there is always a little bit of yearning that comes when you go to watch a performance. At least that is true in my case.
What I realized last weekend is that I had been stuck in yearning mode for a LOOONG TIME.
I don't know how that kind of mind-set sneaks in, but I do know where it comes from. There is this self-defeating, victim mentality that invades my thoughts and behaviors. It sneaks in and convinces me that I'm not enough. That I will never be enough, and that in and of myself I will not be able to accomplish my goals. I need somebody's permission. Or I need somebody's stamp of approval. It's automatic. When I'm under the victim shroud, I cannot get out from underneath it. I come up with band-aid solutions to little problems, but I never get at the "big picture"---which is that "I AM ENOUGH". I am.
Here's what happens once I realize that "I AM ENOUGH". All by "mineself".
I no longer need other people's permission to do what I need to do in order to take care of myself. Resentment, anger and guilt lift. I don't need other people to advocate for me--I advocate for myself. SELF-PITY in all of its insidious forms disappear. It's just not necessary because if I don't like something...I CAN CHANGE IT! OR I can ASK FOR HELP.
Once I'm in that space, I can watch a performance and feel no jealousy. I can enjoy what the other performers have accomplished without looking for faults or thinking about how much better I would have done it. Other people's success makes me happy. Their success takes nothing away from me. Abundance is the natural order. Pettiness is gone. I accept things as they are. All is right with the world...right now. Obviously.
As Sky Masterson said in Guys and Dolls tonite..."Luck is a Lady..." Actually, I don't believe in luck. But I thought that sounded good. ;)
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