...What's been going on in my life for the last week and a half has been incredibly painful and incredibly intense. I do not question its necessity.
Sometimes I just know I'm being carried. An email from a friend said it best: "It sounds like you are carrying your Self and being carried on wings of love."
I believe that.
What I do find interesting however, is how my blogs up until this point were so intuitive. Funny how you can't see what's right under your nose, isn't it?? Denial is such a powerful defense. I'm quite grateful for it actually. We're amazing creatures, aren't we??
I trust my process now more than ever. I am a living breathing process, constantly cycling in one way or another through the 5 stages of self-healing: Embryonic, Creeping, Crawling, Standing, & Walking. The process applies to everything. When I learned about it at my Nia White Belt Intensive, I had no idea it was going to apply to my entire life. "Baby, what a big surprise. RIGHT before my very eyes." (Yes, a corny Peter Cetera reference...deal with it. Summerfest is coming, okay?)
"You must do the things you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt
Yes Ma'am.
And then...
"You can never really live anyone else's life, not even your child's. The influence you exert is through your own life, and what you've become yourself."
Eleanor Roosevelt
Indeed.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
My favorite writer today...
Who is Portia Nelson?? No idea. I just know that she wrote my favorite prose to date, relative to my life. It's called "Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters" For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, let me introduce you to it. (It really IS short...)
I. I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...It's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V. I walk down another street.
This is me. This is how I live my life. This is how I learn. Maybe this is what being human is?? I can't know for sure...I tend to be a little self-centered, so I can only speak from my perspective. (As opposed to the whole of humanity :)
What could be a relatively gentle process, is sometimes made much, much more challenging by ME. My stubbornness. My inability to go with the flow. But that is afterall, why some of us consider life more of a marathon than a sprint. Being theater minded, I consider it more of a "Production". I just gave up the director chair a long, LONG time ago.
More recently, and more often what I've come up against is, my FEAR.
Because of my trauma background, I get scared of things. Things I perceive as BIG THINGS. Big things that I just KNOW will go wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. When it comes to people I care about, I can go "deep sea fishing" in my thoughts, with the best of 'em. I make up some of the most terrifying stories in my head, and it doesn't take long.
I am a woman of deep faith. I am. I am a woman of honesty, open-mindedness and great willingness. I am a woman of integrity, dignity and grace. Here is the caveat...WHEN I'M SCARED YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO TELL!!
I sort of become the opposite of open-minded, willing, graceful, and dignified when I'm scared.
You know what helps though?? Staying present. Acting and NOT reacting. NOT shooting off my mouth. Getting out of HOT, energy-sucking situations and finding some space.
And guess what I do with that space? I dance. I dance in my kitchen to an under the counter CD player I got at Shopko. (It's just a little no-name unit. Cost about $30 or so.) I put on whatever music makes me happy in that moment and I move, move, move. Life really CAN be a dance party. There are NO RULES that say it can't be. I don't do it every time. Sometimes I'm stuck in that hole, and that's just the way it is. But once I get out...I DANCE!
I guess the point of that short autobiography is twofold for me: 1) I love knowing that there are kindred spirits out there--I'm an extrovert. I NEED my people. 2) It comforts me to know that, as a recovering perfectionist, I have a story and this is it. I will continue to cycle through this story, and that's okay.
That's life. That's MY life. Welcome to it!!
I. I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...It's a habit.
My eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV. I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V. I walk down another street.
This is me. This is how I live my life. This is how I learn. Maybe this is what being human is?? I can't know for sure...I tend to be a little self-centered, so I can only speak from my perspective. (As opposed to the whole of humanity :)
What could be a relatively gentle process, is sometimes made much, much more challenging by ME. My stubbornness. My inability to go with the flow. But that is afterall, why some of us consider life more of a marathon than a sprint. Being theater minded, I consider it more of a "Production". I just gave up the director chair a long, LONG time ago.
More recently, and more often what I've come up against is, my FEAR.
Because of my trauma background, I get scared of things. Things I perceive as BIG THINGS. Big things that I just KNOW will go wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. When it comes to people I care about, I can go "deep sea fishing" in my thoughts, with the best of 'em. I make up some of the most terrifying stories in my head, and it doesn't take long.
I am a woman of deep faith. I am. I am a woman of honesty, open-mindedness and great willingness. I am a woman of integrity, dignity and grace. Here is the caveat...WHEN I'M SCARED YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO TELL!!
I sort of become the opposite of open-minded, willing, graceful, and dignified when I'm scared.
You know what helps though?? Staying present. Acting and NOT reacting. NOT shooting off my mouth. Getting out of HOT, energy-sucking situations and finding some space.
And guess what I do with that space? I dance. I dance in my kitchen to an under the counter CD player I got at Shopko. (It's just a little no-name unit. Cost about $30 or so.) I put on whatever music makes me happy in that moment and I move, move, move. Life really CAN be a dance party. There are NO RULES that say it can't be. I don't do it every time. Sometimes I'm stuck in that hole, and that's just the way it is. But once I get out...I DANCE!
I guess the point of that short autobiography is twofold for me: 1) I love knowing that there are kindred spirits out there--I'm an extrovert. I NEED my people. 2) It comforts me to know that, as a recovering perfectionist, I have a story and this is it. I will continue to cycle through this story, and that's okay.
That's life. That's MY life. Welcome to it!!
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