Ummm....yeah.
I think actually, the darn big toe is broken after all. (Well, maybe it's just a tiny little crack.) It was still, TOTALLY worth it!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
The Road Less Traveled...
So, this time I injured my left foot--the big toe and its joint, to be exact. What is it with me and my feet?? I hear that it's a Pisces thing. Well, it's a Pisces thing AND a choices thing.
Yesterday marked President Obama's 100th day in office. Many in the press were calling it a "Hallmark Holiday". My assumption is that President Obama wouldn't call it that. I'm only 42 years old (just a few years younger than the president himself) and I'm fairly certain I'd be in the fetal position in some corner if I had to deal with ONE of the crises he finds himself facing as leader of our nation, let alone 6 or 7. AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING!!
It reminds me a lot of the beginning of my recovery. The direction our nation has been moving in has reminded me a lot of my recovery for quite some time. I truly thought that we, as a nation had "hit our bottom" in 2004. I really did. Then George Bush won the election. I was devastated.
My belief now is that we hit our bottom in September of 2008. FINALLY.
Flash forward to April 29, 2009. The Financial Market Bail out, the economy, Afganistan, the Iraq War, Pakistan, North Korea, the Auto Industry, Health Care reform, Education reform, FREAKIN' PIRATES, and now a potential global pandemic?? If I were a pessimist, I'd say things are getting WORSE. A LOT worse. But not only am I NOT a pessimist, I'm living proof that things are always darkest before the dawn. I have lived my own personal 2, 3 or 4 simultaneous "crises"; at the time asking my HP: "Why isn't this @&*$#!! getting any BETTER??!!"
The answer I always got was the same: "Whenever you feel as though everything is falling apart, it's actually just coming together..." It's not until I'm on my knees that it occurs to me to ask for help. Humble myself. Circle the wagons. And TRULY be who I know I can be.
While on a family nature walk yesterday, from the bridge we spotted a red ball on the creek bed. I made a spontaneous decision to go and retrieve it. Initially it looked like a pretty simple thing to do. I would just walk through the brush...grab it, and come back. I thought maybe my shoes would get wet. Well, the walk through the brush was a MUCH bigger challenge than I had imagined. I had to stop a number of times to figure out which little clearing I could even fit through. There were big ol' plants with thorns and everything. NOT what I had anticipated. Definitely the road less traveled. There was a REASON the ball was still sitting there. By the time I got the ball, I was feeling very brave and accomplished, but I was NOT feeling like going back the way I came. There was a second option though. I could try to jump over the creek. Pretty big creek. Lots of water running from all of the rain.
But still, IF I made it...it would mean I didn't have to go back through all of that other stuff again.
What to do?? Re-live all of that old pain?? OR try something new??
Yep. I jumped. And I ALMOST made it. My foot in back landed in the water and hit something. (A rock??) Progress, not perfection. It's sore, not broken. Today I'll take it a little easier; practice good self-care with the foot and all will be well.
The bottom line is that things have really come together in my recovery and my life. I know how to live today. REALLY live. Hard work + Perserverence = Health and Happiness. I didn't learn that at home with mom and dad, I learned that in my recovery.
I trust that our nation is on the same path. If WE collectively humble ourselves, ask for help, circle the wagons, offer a helping hand when we can, and truly become who we are each meant to be, (instead of who we think we OUGHT to be) then peace and happiness are on the way.
Yesterday marked President Obama's 100th day in office. Many in the press were calling it a "Hallmark Holiday". My assumption is that President Obama wouldn't call it that. I'm only 42 years old (just a few years younger than the president himself) and I'm fairly certain I'd be in the fetal position in some corner if I had to deal with ONE of the crises he finds himself facing as leader of our nation, let alone 6 or 7. AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING!!
It reminds me a lot of the beginning of my recovery. The direction our nation has been moving in has reminded me a lot of my recovery for quite some time. I truly thought that we, as a nation had "hit our bottom" in 2004. I really did. Then George Bush won the election. I was devastated.
My belief now is that we hit our bottom in September of 2008. FINALLY.
Flash forward to April 29, 2009. The Financial Market Bail out, the economy, Afganistan, the Iraq War, Pakistan, North Korea, the Auto Industry, Health Care reform, Education reform, FREAKIN' PIRATES, and now a potential global pandemic?? If I were a pessimist, I'd say things are getting WORSE. A LOT worse. But not only am I NOT a pessimist, I'm living proof that things are always darkest before the dawn. I have lived my own personal 2, 3 or 4 simultaneous "crises"; at the time asking my HP: "Why isn't this @&*$#!! getting any BETTER??!!"
The answer I always got was the same: "Whenever you feel as though everything is falling apart, it's actually just coming together..." It's not until I'm on my knees that it occurs to me to ask for help. Humble myself. Circle the wagons. And TRULY be who I know I can be.
While on a family nature walk yesterday, from the bridge we spotted a red ball on the creek bed. I made a spontaneous decision to go and retrieve it. Initially it looked like a pretty simple thing to do. I would just walk through the brush...grab it, and come back. I thought maybe my shoes would get wet. Well, the walk through the brush was a MUCH bigger challenge than I had imagined. I had to stop a number of times to figure out which little clearing I could even fit through. There were big ol' plants with thorns and everything. NOT what I had anticipated. Definitely the road less traveled. There was a REASON the ball was still sitting there. By the time I got the ball, I was feeling very brave and accomplished, but I was NOT feeling like going back the way I came. There was a second option though. I could try to jump over the creek. Pretty big creek. Lots of water running from all of the rain.
But still, IF I made it...it would mean I didn't have to go back through all of that other stuff again.
What to do?? Re-live all of that old pain?? OR try something new??
Yep. I jumped. And I ALMOST made it. My foot in back landed in the water and hit something. (A rock??) Progress, not perfection. It's sore, not broken. Today I'll take it a little easier; practice good self-care with the foot and all will be well.
The bottom line is that things have really come together in my recovery and my life. I know how to live today. REALLY live. Hard work + Perserverence = Health and Happiness. I didn't learn that at home with mom and dad, I learned that in my recovery.
I trust that our nation is on the same path. If WE collectively humble ourselves, ask for help, circle the wagons, offer a helping hand when we can, and truly become who we are each meant to be, (instead of who we think we OUGHT to be) then peace and happiness are on the way.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Be the Change
One of my favorite quotes since getting clean is: "BE the change you wish to see in the world". It's a great motto, and a really nice way to say: "Quitcher Bitchin'" (Which by the way, USED to be my motto...had the keychain, the whole bit.) Not only is my new motto much more Zen, it's much more ME.
Being positive has been a wonderful gift in my recovery. The foundation for my gratitude was built there. My Nia White Belt Intensive helped me to take positive thinking to a whole new level.
I'm very excited about a new venture I'm pursuing. Back in March I was invited to a "Women's Leadership Breakfast" and I donated a Nia DVD and a certificate for 5 free classes as door prizes. The woman who won the 5 free classes also happens to be one of the Sisters of St. Agnes. Awesome Lady, 70 some years old. LOVE her. She is a rebel nun. She has done time for peaceful demonstrations. (And I think if was federal time...well, that was the sentence anyway...)
Last week it was her first class and only she and I were there. I got a chance to talk with her a bit. Lo and behold, she's on the board at one of our local outpatient treatment facilities for women (called "the Arc"). I told her that I was a recovering addict/alcoholic with 8 years clean. She was thinking maybe Nia could be good for these women in the program at "the Arc". She asked me what I thought?? I said: "I THINK NIA IS GREAT FOR EVERYBODY!" Then she asked me if I'd be willing to teach it there. Ummm..."YES"!
So, since then I've been on this amazing creative journey of being led by Spirit, and doing the next right thing. It's been two or three days of pretty much solid creating---creating this new routine with music that moved me through my own recovery. It's called "Invincible" (Pat Benatar). I fight the little demon that keeps telling me "that's dumb" and keep pushing through. It's Divine and I trust it. It's going to be freakin' AWESOME when it's done. It's what I'm supposed to do next. No doubt.
No coincidences!
Another good thing: I'm officially off my own back as far as feeling like I'm not getting anywhere. I keep comparing myself to people with much higher belt levels, and with much more experience--many more years of practice. "Compare and Despair". We all have a very individualized curriculum from the universe. I believe that. But, PATIENCE with myself or "the Plan", isn't something I've ever been very good at. I want it all, and I want it NOW! And if I don't get it...it's because I'M doing something very, very WRONG! If I'm a child of God, why do I always assume I'm doing something TERRIBLY WRONG?? Does that just mean I qualify for the program? OR that I'm human?? (GASP)
The process is so much more fun when I'm on my way DOWN the hill!!! As Mark L. says..."Weeeeee!"
The change I wish to see in the world is people being positive, loving themselves as they are, moving/dancing/loving/JOYFUL and clean. It's a great place to start. I've got it--I am that change, and I'm almost ready to bring it to the world. (I'll post when the routine is complete!!)
Being positive has been a wonderful gift in my recovery. The foundation for my gratitude was built there. My Nia White Belt Intensive helped me to take positive thinking to a whole new level.
I'm very excited about a new venture I'm pursuing. Back in March I was invited to a "Women's Leadership Breakfast" and I donated a Nia DVD and a certificate for 5 free classes as door prizes. The woman who won the 5 free classes also happens to be one of the Sisters of St. Agnes. Awesome Lady, 70 some years old. LOVE her. She is a rebel nun. She has done time for peaceful demonstrations. (And I think if was federal time...well, that was the sentence anyway...)
Last week it was her first class and only she and I were there. I got a chance to talk with her a bit. Lo and behold, she's on the board at one of our local outpatient treatment facilities for women (called "the Arc"). I told her that I was a recovering addict/alcoholic with 8 years clean. She was thinking maybe Nia could be good for these women in the program at "the Arc". She asked me what I thought?? I said: "I THINK NIA IS GREAT FOR EVERYBODY!" Then she asked me if I'd be willing to teach it there. Ummm..."YES"!
So, since then I've been on this amazing creative journey of being led by Spirit, and doing the next right thing. It's been two or three days of pretty much solid creating---creating this new routine with music that moved me through my own recovery. It's called "Invincible" (Pat Benatar). I fight the little demon that keeps telling me "that's dumb" and keep pushing through. It's Divine and I trust it. It's going to be freakin' AWESOME when it's done. It's what I'm supposed to do next. No doubt.
No coincidences!
Another good thing: I'm officially off my own back as far as feeling like I'm not getting anywhere. I keep comparing myself to people with much higher belt levels, and with much more experience--many more years of practice. "Compare and Despair". We all have a very individualized curriculum from the universe. I believe that. But, PATIENCE with myself or "the Plan", isn't something I've ever been very good at. I want it all, and I want it NOW! And if I don't get it...it's because I'M doing something very, very WRONG! If I'm a child of God, why do I always assume I'm doing something TERRIBLY WRONG?? Does that just mean I qualify for the program? OR that I'm human?? (GASP)
The process is so much more fun when I'm on my way DOWN the hill!!! As Mark L. says..."Weeeeee!"
The change I wish to see in the world is people being positive, loving themselves as they are, moving/dancing/loving/JOYFUL and clean. It's a great place to start. I've got it--I am that change, and I'm almost ready to bring it to the world. (I'll post when the routine is complete!!)
Friday, April 24, 2009
Luck Be a Lady...
It's been almost ten days since I last posted, and I was trying to sort out why that was. Partially, it was due to a brief stint out of town. After teaching my Nia class last Thursday I was gone until Sunday evening, which was the 19th. Today is April 24th. This week just flew by. I felt like I was screwing my head back on straight. My weekend out of town began that process, and the rest of this week completed it. It was actually a wonderful week!
I went and saw the musical "Guys and Dolls" tonite at our local community theater here in Lomira. Last year my daughter Bailey and I participated in this theater company's Spring production. Because of that, the evening held a little nostalgia for us. We saw company members from the cast last year, and current members of the company as well. If you're a born performer, there is always a little bit of yearning that comes when you go to watch a performance. At least that is true in my case.
What I realized last weekend is that I had been stuck in yearning mode for a LOOONG TIME.
I don't know how that kind of mind-set sneaks in, but I do know where it comes from. There is this self-defeating, victim mentality that invades my thoughts and behaviors. It sneaks in and convinces me that I'm not enough. That I will never be enough, and that in and of myself I will not be able to accomplish my goals. I need somebody's permission. Or I need somebody's stamp of approval. It's automatic. When I'm under the victim shroud, I cannot get out from underneath it. I come up with band-aid solutions to little problems, but I never get at the "big picture"---which is that "I AM ENOUGH". I am.
Here's what happens once I realize that "I AM ENOUGH". All by "mineself".
I no longer need other people's permission to do what I need to do in order to take care of myself. Resentment, anger and guilt lift. I don't need other people to advocate for me--I advocate for myself. SELF-PITY in all of its insidious forms disappear. It's just not necessary because if I don't like something...I CAN CHANGE IT! OR I can ASK FOR HELP.
Once I'm in that space, I can watch a performance and feel no jealousy. I can enjoy what the other performers have accomplished without looking for faults or thinking about how much better I would have done it. Other people's success makes me happy. Their success takes nothing away from me. Abundance is the natural order. Pettiness is gone. I accept things as they are. All is right with the world...right now. Obviously.
As Sky Masterson said in Guys and Dolls tonite..."Luck is a Lady..." Actually, I don't believe in luck. But I thought that sounded good. ;)
I went and saw the musical "Guys and Dolls" tonite at our local community theater here in Lomira. Last year my daughter Bailey and I participated in this theater company's Spring production. Because of that, the evening held a little nostalgia for us. We saw company members from the cast last year, and current members of the company as well. If you're a born performer, there is always a little bit of yearning that comes when you go to watch a performance. At least that is true in my case.
What I realized last weekend is that I had been stuck in yearning mode for a LOOONG TIME.
I don't know how that kind of mind-set sneaks in, but I do know where it comes from. There is this self-defeating, victim mentality that invades my thoughts and behaviors. It sneaks in and convinces me that I'm not enough. That I will never be enough, and that in and of myself I will not be able to accomplish my goals. I need somebody's permission. Or I need somebody's stamp of approval. It's automatic. When I'm under the victim shroud, I cannot get out from underneath it. I come up with band-aid solutions to little problems, but I never get at the "big picture"---which is that "I AM ENOUGH". I am.
Here's what happens once I realize that "I AM ENOUGH". All by "mineself".
I no longer need other people's permission to do what I need to do in order to take care of myself. Resentment, anger and guilt lift. I don't need other people to advocate for me--I advocate for myself. SELF-PITY in all of its insidious forms disappear. It's just not necessary because if I don't like something...I CAN CHANGE IT! OR I can ASK FOR HELP.
Once I'm in that space, I can watch a performance and feel no jealousy. I can enjoy what the other performers have accomplished without looking for faults or thinking about how much better I would have done it. Other people's success makes me happy. Their success takes nothing away from me. Abundance is the natural order. Pettiness is gone. I accept things as they are. All is right with the world...right now. Obviously.
As Sky Masterson said in Guys and Dolls tonite..."Luck is a Lady..." Actually, I don't believe in luck. But I thought that sounded good. ;)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Crazy, Sexy, Cool...
Remember the group TLC?? "Don't go chasin' waterfalls...please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to..."
Yes, THAT TLC. T-Boz, Lisa "Left-Eye" and Chili. Even back then---BEFORE I really knew how to allow myself any kind of validation---(or allow it for any other woman for that matter), I knew that they were onto something with the album title:
"Crazy, Sexy, Cool".
What I didn't know, was that they were describing my life's path...NIA!!
I need to keep today's post sort of short.
I've been ill. I'm STILL ill. (Nothing major--just a cold, flu, I dunno. It just keeps hangin' on though...it's aggravating!) Anyway, being a little ill doesn't stop me anymore from moving through life. Dancing through it in fact. That's what Nia does for me.
I brought home my dozens of bags from the grocery store. And I danced through life as I unpacked them...literally. The music of Opal (a Nia routine) continues to sustain me. Playing her music in the kitchen makes me so happy. I would pause to lift my arms gracefully to the music. Or walk the clock for fun. Then I'd unpack a few more boxes of noodles, or a can of peas.
It almost seems unfair that my work consists of dancing around the kitchen, learning the choreography of the routines, embodying the JOY of dancing them, and then sharing that joy with whoever wants to come and play.
ALMOST!
Maybe we shouldn't chase waterfalls, but I DO think splashing around in them ought to be required activity at some point.
Crazy, Sexy, Cool!!!
Rock on Ladies!!!!!!!
Yes, THAT TLC. T-Boz, Lisa "Left-Eye" and Chili. Even back then---BEFORE I really knew how to allow myself any kind of validation---(or allow it for any other woman for that matter), I knew that they were onto something with the album title:
"Crazy, Sexy, Cool".
What I didn't know, was that they were describing my life's path...NIA!!
I need to keep today's post sort of short.
I've been ill. I'm STILL ill. (Nothing major--just a cold, flu, I dunno. It just keeps hangin' on though...it's aggravating!) Anyway, being a little ill doesn't stop me anymore from moving through life. Dancing through it in fact. That's what Nia does for me.
I brought home my dozens of bags from the grocery store. And I danced through life as I unpacked them...literally. The music of Opal (a Nia routine) continues to sustain me. Playing her music in the kitchen makes me so happy. I would pause to lift my arms gracefully to the music. Or walk the clock for fun. Then I'd unpack a few more boxes of noodles, or a can of peas.
It almost seems unfair that my work consists of dancing around the kitchen, learning the choreography of the routines, embodying the JOY of dancing them, and then sharing that joy with whoever wants to come and play.
ALMOST!
Maybe we shouldn't chase waterfalls, but I DO think splashing around in them ought to be required activity at some point.
Crazy, Sexy, Cool!!!
Rock on Ladies!!!!!!!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Intuition...
An inner voice has always existed within me. I believe we're born with it, actually. Babies and children are enlightened masters. Babies don't censor themselves. If they're sad, they cry. If they're happy they smile. If they are outraged, you know it, boy. If they have a need, they express it through a whole vocabulary of cries; and Moms learn to decode those cries.
As we "grow up" we learn the rules of the cultural and societal game. What's okay to express, and what is not.
Isn't that a shame??
Little kids call a spade a spade. Lacking "social graces", they oftentimes ask the questions that our rules no longer make space for. My son wants to know why he can't just drop in on people's homes whenever he feels like it. He doesn't understand that one. Why?? He feels as though anyone at anytime would most certainly welcome his company. WHY wouldn't they?? WHY wouldn't they, indeed. It simply has not occurred to him that they may have something "better" (?) to do than share some time and space with him. (He is six years old) In my experience, there are not many things as delightful as experiencing the company of a six year old boy. (Except of course sharing the company of several 6 year old boys...or any other combination of children...)
So I have to ask...
In our culture and our society do we not often times have it backwards?? And isn't there a lot to be learned from childhood intuition?
Wouldn't my time be better spent with human connection, rather than busying myself with the details of work and commerce? Certainly I'm not suggesting that those things don't matter, or that they ought to be neglected. I just feel like striking a balance is in my best interest.
I believe that what I now want to be when I grow up, is well....six years old.
As we "grow up" we learn the rules of the cultural and societal game. What's okay to express, and what is not.
Isn't that a shame??
Little kids call a spade a spade. Lacking "social graces", they oftentimes ask the questions that our rules no longer make space for. My son wants to know why he can't just drop in on people's homes whenever he feels like it. He doesn't understand that one. Why?? He feels as though anyone at anytime would most certainly welcome his company. WHY wouldn't they?? WHY wouldn't they, indeed. It simply has not occurred to him that they may have something "better" (?) to do than share some time and space with him. (He is six years old) In my experience, there are not many things as delightful as experiencing the company of a six year old boy. (Except of course sharing the company of several 6 year old boys...or any other combination of children...)
So I have to ask...
In our culture and our society do we not often times have it backwards?? And isn't there a lot to be learned from childhood intuition?
Wouldn't my time be better spent with human connection, rather than busying myself with the details of work and commerce? Certainly I'm not suggesting that those things don't matter, or that they ought to be neglected. I just feel like striking a balance is in my best interest.
I believe that what I now want to be when I grow up, is well....six years old.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Transformation...
I'm tired, and yet I'm drinking coffee.
What's wrong with this picture?? What's wrong with this picture is...well...nothing. It's Saturday. I don't have any formal plans for tomorrow, well, not until 10am anyway. So the the bottom line is...If I want to be drinking coffee right now. I can. I'm a grown up.
Sometimes I very much enjoy being a grown up. Other times, not so much. Sometimes I can't even believe I AM a grown up. I feel like: "When did I become the one who hands out the lunch money?? This is just WAY TOO BIZARRE."
There's an ebb and flow to this growing up process. A holding on tight and then letting go. The same is true of raising my kids. The same is true of watching others struggle through adversity. The same is true of the butterfly.
I was watching somebody really close to me struggle with an addiction to prescription medication and was having the hardest time detaching from the situation. I went to a meeting and the most wonderful story was read about a fisherman and a cocoon.
I'd like to share that story here:
The fisherman happened upon the cocoon one morning, and each day after took notice of its progress.
He spoke of how beautiful the cocoon's construction was. How solid. How safe. He wondered each day as he headed out to his boat, if today would be the day to see some activity within the cocoon--would the butterfly be set free today?
Finally one day, he noticed movement. He stood and watched for the longest time. The butterfly struggled and struggled to bust through the membrane it had built around itself to keep it safe. "Well." The fisherman thought after some time. "At this rate, it'll NEVER be free." He decided to head out and do his fishing.
Upon returning, he saw that the butterfly was still not free. It STILL had not freed itself. Indeed, some progress had been made, but the poor thing was nowhere near completing the task. The fisherman could bear it no longer. He pulled out his fishing knife and sliced open the cocoon so the butterfly would be free. He believed he was doing the right thing. He believed at the time, that his motives were pure.
But the butterfly shortly thereafter perished.
But why??
It is only through our struggles that we grow stronger. The work it took for the butterfly to fight through those walls was making its wings strong. Releasing it before it was ready, ultimately killed it. We all have our own Natural Time. I believe things unfold in a very personal, specific way for each of us, and we each get exactly what we need in order to grow. So, even though the fisherman's intentions were good by "helping" the butterfly---it was not his place to try and rush the butterfly's process. I once heard someone say: "Help is the sunny side of control". I took that one to heart.
I need not attempt to interfere with Natural Time--Not mine. Not another's. Natural Time just Is. When I try to change it...I can end up frustrated, humiliated, or even demoralized. Usually though, I just end up tired.
But that's okay, really...I can drink coffee whenever I feel like it. ;)
Posted by stacy nia dancer at 6:05 PM 0 comments
What's wrong with this picture?? What's wrong with this picture is...well...nothing. It's Saturday. I don't have any formal plans for tomorrow, well, not until 10am anyway. So the the bottom line is...If I want to be drinking coffee right now. I can. I'm a grown up.
Sometimes I very much enjoy being a grown up. Other times, not so much. Sometimes I can't even believe I AM a grown up. I feel like: "When did I become the one who hands out the lunch money?? This is just WAY TOO BIZARRE."
There's an ebb and flow to this growing up process. A holding on tight and then letting go. The same is true of raising my kids. The same is true of watching others struggle through adversity. The same is true of the butterfly.
I was watching somebody really close to me struggle with an addiction to prescription medication and was having the hardest time detaching from the situation. I went to a meeting and the most wonderful story was read about a fisherman and a cocoon.
I'd like to share that story here:
The fisherman happened upon the cocoon one morning, and each day after took notice of its progress.
He spoke of how beautiful the cocoon's construction was. How solid. How safe. He wondered each day as he headed out to his boat, if today would be the day to see some activity within the cocoon--would the butterfly be set free today?
Finally one day, he noticed movement. He stood and watched for the longest time. The butterfly struggled and struggled to bust through the membrane it had built around itself to keep it safe. "Well." The fisherman thought after some time. "At this rate, it'll NEVER be free." He decided to head out and do his fishing.
Upon returning, he saw that the butterfly was still not free. It STILL had not freed itself. Indeed, some progress had been made, but the poor thing was nowhere near completing the task. The fisherman could bear it no longer. He pulled out his fishing knife and sliced open the cocoon so the butterfly would be free. He believed he was doing the right thing. He believed at the time, that his motives were pure.
But the butterfly shortly thereafter perished.
But why??
It is only through our struggles that we grow stronger. The work it took for the butterfly to fight through those walls was making its wings strong. Releasing it before it was ready, ultimately killed it. We all have our own Natural Time. I believe things unfold in a very personal, specific way for each of us, and we each get exactly what we need in order to grow. So, even though the fisherman's intentions were good by "helping" the butterfly---it was not his place to try and rush the butterfly's process. I once heard someone say: "Help is the sunny side of control". I took that one to heart.
I need not attempt to interfere with Natural Time--Not mine. Not another's. Natural Time just Is. When I try to change it...I can end up frustrated, humiliated, or even demoralized. Usually though, I just end up tired.
But that's okay, really...I can drink coffee whenever I feel like it. ;)
Posted by stacy nia dancer at 6:05 PM 0 comments
Friday, April 10, 2009
Here Comes the Sun...
I learned in Mr. Bauer's 7th grade science class that light travels faster than sound. He did this super cool demonstration for us. He stood on a hill with band cymbals and had us walk and walk, far, far away from him (Maybe 3 football fields). When we got to our spot he had us turn around to face him. Then he crashed those two huge cymbals together. We saw him hit the cymbals together, and then moments later we heard the cymbal crash! It made a big impression. I loved Mr. Bauer. Some teachers are like that, they know how to teach to kids.
I'm now beginning to believe that light also travels quicker than HEAT. I don't have Mr. Bauer to ask about that, but it just seems to me as though there ought to be a bit more warmth here along with all of this sunshine.
I'm reminded again of my tendency to focus on LACK. My mind just habitually "goes there". Rather than being grateful for the sun, I focus on the LACK of warmth. Negativity isn't something I want to do, or something I NEED to do. It's just something I naturally do. Silly, silly human--creature of habit.
What makes this all okay for me today is that I'm aware of it. This was not always the case. In the past I would not have even acknowledged it was negativity! In recovery we say that you can't change what you don't acknowledge. We have Steps 4, 5 and 10 to make us aware and hold us accountable--continually--for our actions. We check in with our fellow brothers and sisters in recovery to make sure this is so.
And in Nia--I can go even deeper!! How lucky am I??? Principle 5: Awareness and Dancing Through Life. I became aware of my feelings first and now I am becoming acutely aware of what it's like to live in my body. What a magnificent machine it is. How lucky I am to be able to move the way I can. And what amazing creatures we are.
The abuse I endured as a little girl began the nasty cycle of self-hatred and shame, but it didn't take long for me to pick the ball up and run with it.
40 years. I spent forty years in a prison of flesh. I was a slave to my own vicious self-talk and my own tyrannical rules. Fighting this and that. If only this ONE THING were different. Well, no more. Not with Nia.
The Human Art Gallery at my White Belt was among the most exquisite, and most PROFOUND parts of my whole week, perhaps in my life. I wept. We are all truly BREATHTAKING. And SO BEAUTIFUL.
The life-giving Sun radiates within all of us...
I'm now beginning to believe that light also travels quicker than HEAT. I don't have Mr. Bauer to ask about that, but it just seems to me as though there ought to be a bit more warmth here along with all of this sunshine.
I'm reminded again of my tendency to focus on LACK. My mind just habitually "goes there". Rather than being grateful for the sun, I focus on the LACK of warmth. Negativity isn't something I want to do, or something I NEED to do. It's just something I naturally do. Silly, silly human--creature of habit.
What makes this all okay for me today is that I'm aware of it. This was not always the case. In the past I would not have even acknowledged it was negativity! In recovery we say that you can't change what you don't acknowledge. We have Steps 4, 5 and 10 to make us aware and hold us accountable--continually--for our actions. We check in with our fellow brothers and sisters in recovery to make sure this is so.
And in Nia--I can go even deeper!! How lucky am I??? Principle 5: Awareness and Dancing Through Life. I became aware of my feelings first and now I am becoming acutely aware of what it's like to live in my body. What a magnificent machine it is. How lucky I am to be able to move the way I can. And what amazing creatures we are.
The abuse I endured as a little girl began the nasty cycle of self-hatred and shame, but it didn't take long for me to pick the ball up and run with it.
40 years. I spent forty years in a prison of flesh. I was a slave to my own vicious self-talk and my own tyrannical rules. Fighting this and that. If only this ONE THING were different. Well, no more. Not with Nia.
The Human Art Gallery at my White Belt was among the most exquisite, and most PROFOUND parts of my whole week, perhaps in my life. I wept. We are all truly BREATHTAKING. And SO BEAUTIFUL.
The life-giving Sun radiates within all of us...
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Last vice...5 Months today
Good Lord. Addiction is addiction is addiction....
Before I knew I was going to quit smoking I could not imagine a life without cigarettes. I just COULDN'T. I know it sounds crazy to people who have never smoked, but I LOOOOOVED my cigarettes. And I was a princess...I smoked imported (from Denmark "Dahhhling"), Vanilla- flavored, cigarettes. (Because that made it SOOOooo much better)
To me, smoking was as much a part of what I did and where I went, as anything. If I traveled, being able to smoke once I got there was literally something I thought about. "Can't wait to smoke in New York!!" If I was at work, all I thought about was my first cigarette in the car once I was done..."Can't wait to smoke on the way home!!"
It's the same way I used to feel about food, actually. I would give directions by food landmarks. Describe vacations according to what I ate. Talk about social gatherings by describing what food was served. It was never about the people, the place, my surroundings, what interesting conversations I had--always the food. My goodness...I missed so much of life while living in my food obsession.
I was always too busy obsessing over either gaining or losing weight. I was either saying: "screw it" and obsessing over what to eat next, or saying "NO WAY!! That's off limits!!" counting calories and fat grams (I believe people counts carbs or something like that now). Whether I was over-eating, under-eating, or over-exercising to supposedly "balance things out"--the purpose of the obsession was the same as the cigarette's: STAY NUMB. If it keeps me runnin', numb, or BOTH...I don't have to feel.
I put my addictions down one at a time. Booze, drugs, food, relationships, and now...cigarettes. I think of addiction like that "Whack-a-Mole" game. You whack one mole down a hole and, POP! Another little mole head pops up another hole. I've learned that until I allow the feelings to surface, I'll just find new things to glom onto and misuse to cover them up. I once heard a program speaker say: "The only way out is through". I hated it at the time. Now I live it.
I'm proud of my little butterfly self today. Wanna come fly with me on Saturday??
Before I knew I was going to quit smoking I could not imagine a life without cigarettes. I just COULDN'T. I know it sounds crazy to people who have never smoked, but I LOOOOOVED my cigarettes. And I was a princess...I smoked imported (from Denmark "Dahhhling"), Vanilla- flavored, cigarettes. (Because that made it SOOOooo much better)
To me, smoking was as much a part of what I did and where I went, as anything. If I traveled, being able to smoke once I got there was literally something I thought about. "Can't wait to smoke in New York!!" If I was at work, all I thought about was my first cigarette in the car once I was done..."Can't wait to smoke on the way home!!"
It's the same way I used to feel about food, actually. I would give directions by food landmarks. Describe vacations according to what I ate. Talk about social gatherings by describing what food was served. It was never about the people, the place, my surroundings, what interesting conversations I had--always the food. My goodness...I missed so much of life while living in my food obsession.
I was always too busy obsessing over either gaining or losing weight. I was either saying: "screw it" and obsessing over what to eat next, or saying "NO WAY!! That's off limits!!" counting calories and fat grams (I believe people counts carbs or something like that now). Whether I was over-eating, under-eating, or over-exercising to supposedly "balance things out"--the purpose of the obsession was the same as the cigarette's: STAY NUMB. If it keeps me runnin', numb, or BOTH...I don't have to feel.
I put my addictions down one at a time. Booze, drugs, food, relationships, and now...cigarettes. I think of addiction like that "Whack-a-Mole" game. You whack one mole down a hole and, POP! Another little mole head pops up another hole. I've learned that until I allow the feelings to surface, I'll just find new things to glom onto and misuse to cover them up. I once heard a program speaker say: "The only way out is through". I hated it at the time. Now I live it.
I'm proud of my little butterfly self today. Wanna come fly with me on Saturday??
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
A First BLOG for Me...
Today is the first Blog of the rest of my life...
Okay?? Okay.
Here I am. I'm 42, and still pluggin' away at the "new to me" skills. That's what we call them in Nia, "new to me" skills. I love that about Nia. There's a bit of terminology for everything--and all of it makes me feel better about where I'm at. We have stages in which we move through life; through processes. Debbie and Carlos came up with an entire mechanism for that...the 5 stages.
Nia isn't about an hour of "exercise". It's about my whole life. Just when I think I'm walking as a mom--My daughter turns 13. "OH MY GOD!! I FEEL SO EMBRYONIC!! How the hell do you parent a teenaged girl??" Look for the Joy. Natural Time. HER Natural Time, not mine. And I find these instances everywhere--these places where the principles of Nia line up with what's going on in my life. Amazing, no?
Grateful I am for the gift of Nia today. Anxious to share that gift tomorrow.
In Joy...
Okay?? Okay.
Here I am. I'm 42, and still pluggin' away at the "new to me" skills. That's what we call them in Nia, "new to me" skills. I love that about Nia. There's a bit of terminology for everything--and all of it makes me feel better about where I'm at. We have stages in which we move through life; through processes. Debbie and Carlos came up with an entire mechanism for that...the 5 stages.
Nia isn't about an hour of "exercise". It's about my whole life. Just when I think I'm walking as a mom--My daughter turns 13. "OH MY GOD!! I FEEL SO EMBRYONIC!! How the hell do you parent a teenaged girl??" Look for the Joy. Natural Time. HER Natural Time, not mine. And I find these instances everywhere--these places where the principles of Nia line up with what's going on in my life. Amazing, no?
Grateful I am for the gift of Nia today. Anxious to share that gift tomorrow.
In Joy...
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